I hate this dank, dark murkiness.
I've been through many break-ups in my time. Lately, as my body has changed over the last 4-5 years in my late 20's, I've started letting the idea of womanhood and its imposing biology weave into the fabric of relationships. Maybe it all started with that one statement from my friend: "Don't push him away, don't test him. Women like to do that. We like to test our men." It's amazing how stupidly open to the power of suggestion we can be. Or rather, I can be. That very thought, however, was suggested by the same friend.
I wish I could open myself up and see the flaws. See how one idea clotted fiercely through the course of time and habit might be my modus operandi without my even realizing it. It may be what led to a downward spiral in my previous relationship. It seems to have taken root here too, this idea of womanhood. Another strong female figure of my acquaintance provided me with the perspective that I should stand up for my rights - demand marriage, commitment, and if I don't get that, stop wasting my time. I don't know if such a hardline approach is my cup of tea, but it did certainly open my eyes to how willing I am to go with the flow... and often, that's someone else's flow. I have definitely impressed the idea on my current (just barely still) partner (of three years, and of five years less in age than myself), that being a woman in this society, I do have certain needs, and that he should try to understand them. But it wasn't just that. It was that he expected so much of me, was/is so critical and exacting of me sometimes, that he should then at least be willing to sign up for eternity (if not more).
See the thing is, the adherence to such gender-specific roles has always been abhorrent to me. They get very tricky, and bringing up these points was like opening up a pandora's box. It put a whole debate of blame into motion. Because if you stick to such myopic rules, they usually entail a lot more than you can see. For instance, if it's his role as the man to offer me commitment, then am I perhaps limiting myself for him to see as nothing but a woman? There are so many around me who would say "you won't be able to do this in two years," and "tell yourself he's the one," but if I impose my timeline, my ovaries and my need for security and protection on him, won't he start expecting me to take care of his responsibility to his mother, his need to be attached to his community, his meals, and more? (that is, if he already isn't).
Am I being too hard on myself? Is it too much to ask for someone who respects my individualism, and will also take care of my security?
I guess what I'm feeling strongly here is that... NO, it shouldn't be too much to ask. I've been in a relationship with a younger man for three years, who started off with a sense of self-righteousness, that I had to prove myself to him again because I had broken up with him before suddenly. That, I feel, kind of set the tone of our relationship. I don't know whether it's my age, or whether it's him, but I've never before felt so impinged and demanded upon by a relationship. I've never felt so trapped in arguments. I fear that I've lost sight of the fact that he's just full of anger and immature and I can't help feeling that he deals with that by having one up on me. He has a great sense of duty and religion, and does demonstrate a lot of regard for my family, my single mother; but I feel that gives him a feeling that he's better than me.
Worst of all, I then question my own evaluation and think that perhaps I am simply ungrateful, that anyone would die for a normal, committed relationship.
I can't be that off, can I?
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